A letter to my Rapist

Last fall I got to know you. That same year you went from someone I wanted to get to know, to someone I hated. I once wished you were dead my thoughts went as far as me being the one to kill you. I hated you. The past year has been hell. Those two nights, I felt like you took something away from me. I felt ashamed. I felt worthless. I felt numb. There were some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Days that I wondered if my life was important. I gave you that much power over me. Why? I don’t know. Even when I felt strong for others, inside I was crying. You took over my thoughts. You made me feel dirty. You took over my body. I never said yes but I only said “no” a few times. The second time I tried to play it cool. I wanted to live. As I went to your bathroom I sat on the floor or maybe it was on the toilet. (I can’t remember because of the missing pieces of that second night. You took my memory away when you drugged me.) As I was there silently praying to God to save me. To not let harm come of me. To be protected. I prayed that an angel would come sweep me away from what was to come. As I sat there silently waiting, I lost hope. This hope would not return to me for months. At times it’s hard to find Hope. Your touch, voice, face still appears as if you were here next to me. So vivid those nights become at times, but then it hurts me as I can’t seem to have the full picture. I question myself “was I truly raped?” “Maybe I said yes but can’t remember”…?

The demons inside my head try to bring me down over and over again. But I’m done crying by myself. I’m done holding it in. I’m done letting you win.

I will fight this battle you have thrown at me and I will win no matter what. You can’t take my love away. I will love you one day. I will forgive you one day. I will forgive myself one day. I will work and pray every day for these things to come true. One day I will be free. Because Freedom is my right.

 

 

 

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